Your Neighborhood Professional Deviant

Happy Caturday y'all. Whilst My Twitter has met a reasonable person's limit of cat pics, that's not why I'm here.   Today I'm here to tell you about the brain breaking experience that I was blessed with earlier today.     Browsing the Gates Of Heaven, AKA the cold soda selection at the gas station, My ears picked up on some teenage girls rambling on and on and on... About how amazing Miley Cyrus looked recently. They were molesting one of the girls' phone with their glassy little eyeballs. I suppose My watching them during a Cannot Even moment was obvious, because they stampeded over to My spot in front of carbonated nirvana, and proceeded to force Me to look at above mentioned Miley images. Mayhaps I look youthful enough to care, or mayhaps they assume that anyone equipped with a vagina cares, but they wanted My opinion on Miley's attire choices.   Correction... They wanted Me to echo their opinions on said attire. Alas, this was not meant to be! Th...

Every now and then, some cheeky dude, usually (but not always) in their teens or early 20s, thinks its a compliment to call me a MILF.   Er... What? No. Just no.   And the brain breaking doesn't stop there. I'm seeing a lot of MILF porn that casted girls who were born either while I was in high school, or after I graduated.     Stop. Please. For the love of fuck...   There are 2 reasons why this is destroying my brain cells.   1) I am not a mother. Since I've never carried a child to term, adopted, and no one considers cats to be children in this context, there is no M in this. I leave you with just the ILF. So calling me a MILF only makes sense to you. It will not score you any sort of brownie points with me. I promise.   2) If I did have offspring, I do not consider myself old enough to be a MILF*. And when I see these perky, youthful gals in MILF porn? Argh!     I'm some rare freak, I guess, because my mind defines MILF d...

Welcome to the Go Ahead And Laugh At Me edition of Songs Currently Stuck In My Head. Usually it annoys the fuck out of Me* when people’s initial and/or only response is “that song sucks!”. Insulting Me with your opinion is kinda stab-worthy IMHO. But this time you may giggle, snicker, or lawl at Me, but try not to be rude about it, ok kids? Don’t make Me turn this blog around and go home. Thanks to a good friend’s kids, the following two songs have been Crazy Glued to My gray matter for weeks: Yeah yeah, I know this drops Me into the Lame Teenage Girl category, but I think it’s got a fun beat and the lyrics are adorable. If dudes were that sweet more often, I’d probably be (slightly) less gay**. Whaaaaaaat? The beat is catchy! I can’t scrape it out of My head! I’ve tried! I even used one of those Scrape Ice Off Yer Windshield scraper thingies. That shit just hurt real bad and screwed up My sense of smell for a week. And thanks to a store I frequent, this song has been squatting in My b...

As much as I hate to admit it, I am a slave to texting. LOL... no really. Not like, Mindless Teenager Textzombie sorta hooked. I live in a semi-basement, 100% cinder block condo. Reception = FML. Texting works 95% of the time, where as calls in/out work maybe 20% of the time. Add to that the fact that strip club + loud music = cant hear phone? Yeah, texting is My friend. I'm actually kinda pleased with My lil ENV2. It's not New And Special And Shiny, but I dig it :D

On Monday nights, at Tootsy's, I'm the Door Wench. I sit at the front door of the club, check ID's, and handle cash. Make change, charge admission (only for the under 21 crowd, Mondays are free otherwise), and take the bar fees from the dancers. Simple shit, despite some drama from time to time. Primary objective? Make sure the 18 - 20 year olds pay, get arm bands, and have heir hands marked. Also, chase away the under 18 jackasses. Fine. Not a hard thing to do overall. WELL! Tonight a kid came in with a Florida ID that had him at being 22. Yeah, he had a baby face, but that happens. Hell, most folks think I'm in my early 20s. Fine. Looked fine, had the hologram, the secondary photo, etc. Kid gets in. Cool. He asks what the drink specials are. Rather common question from the 21+ folks. Not very common for the underagers. They're usually "HUR HUR BEER". Later on, while my manager was standing next to me chatting, another kid comes into the foyer. He looks ...