Your Neighborhood Professional Deviant

There is something about nudity that breaks the brain. That numbs the senses. That turns people kinda stupid.   Not all people, but enough to make the pattern quite noticeable.   One such nudity-induced derp is the inability to recognize a stripper when they have their Civilian Clothes on.     No, seriously... It happens to Me all of the time.   It's like some sort of Superman Syndrome.     Change Clark Kent's attire and no one knows who he is? Really?   Put jeans and a tee shirt on a stripper and people draw a blank? Jeebus...     Yeah yeah... I know. "But Paige, dudes at strip clubs aren't looking at your face LOL!" but really... they are. Most of the customers that I've entertained over the years have made excellent eye contact. Am I unusually blessed? I really don't think so.   When I'm at a strip club, I LOVE to People Watch. Strip clubs are amazing venues for such an activity. Add to that the 19.5...

Between common sense, pride, and a bit of OCD, I always have some sort of perfume or body spray on. And that’s after I’m scrubbed clean Like A Boss. Hygiene is awesome. Whenever a customer at the bar compliments My scent, I always thank him and reply with “Cause no one likes a stinky stripper!” Duh. It can’t get more Truth than that. Well, ok maybe there is a guy out there with a Stinky Stripper Fetish. But, for the most part, customers appreciate a lack of stank on their adult entertainers. Guys... Dudes... Fellas... Homies... We strippers like a lack of stank on our customers, too. Quid Pro Quo up in this bitch. Ok? For those lacking any sense of Commonly Used Latin, it means This For That. As in, we bathe, so you should too. I don’t know the Latin for “wash your ass” but whatever it is, I want to burn it onto a 2 x 4 and beat some stanky dudes with it. Seriously. Nothing makes a lapdance harder to do than trying not to pass out from your foul odor. We have to be all cute, be all gr...

Some establishments have dress codes. Some are just the choice of the owners, some are common sense. Like you don’t wear a ball gown to work at Arby’s. Like you don’t wear a bikini to a 4 star restaurant. Like you don’t wear jeans to the gym. Speaking of the gym… hey guys? Can you wear your gym clothes to the gym, but not to the titty bar? I know sweats and jogging pants are comfy and shit like that, but seriously? I DON’T WANT TO FEEL YOUR PENIS ON MY THIGH. This blog post is for both types of Gym Clothes Customers. 1st we have the dude who honestly doesn’t know that it’s creepy, gross, and skeevy to get lapdances while wearing gym clothes. There’d be less friction if I stuck a whisk up My cooter. Seriously. Kitchen utensils violating My uterus would be 100 times better than feeling your erection through polyester. Write this shit down because there WILL be a pop quiz. PS: I can’t speak for every chick out there who doesn’t hate the dick, but I personally think that any dude that wea...

An instance where beating someone with the STFUGTFO stick is a reasonable reaction: When a guy's intro to wanting to buy a dance from you is “Yeeeaaaahhhh.... I married a stripper once. So you know I am SO all about rockin the pussy! Let's dance!” That's supposed to be encouraging, how? Oh, but it gets better... when you decline he tries to taunt you with “Well, I guess I'll just go spend this ten dollars elsewhere huh?” You do that, assbag. No one here cares that, once upon a time, a woman in the same line of work as us had to put up with you. Not our problem. Not our concern. If we did give a shit, we’d be spending an awful lot of our hard earned cash on condolence cards for all of these women we hear so much about. And why should it matter that your ex was a stripper? Does that magically enhance your manliness and prowess? Does that give you +7 Stud? Is it better than having married a bank teller or a chef? Is that an upgrade from, perhaps, the cashier at Burger King...

Today's strippery topic is Farting. Yes.... farting. Gas. Tooting. Letting it rip. Yes, strippers fart. Why am I bringing this to light? Because I recently received an email asking if it's hard to hold it all in until AFTER work. AAAAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAAAA!!!! No, really. Hold it on? All shift? Not gonna happen. Hell, we aren't THAT mysterious and magical. Ok maybe we are but we fart at work. Trust me. Some girls might choose to let them out in the bathroom or dressing room.... But there will always be those who will use farts as weapons. Yep. Cheap, rude dipshits sitting at the stage? You might get gassed for being said cheap, rude dipshits. Or if a hated coworker is up on stage after a Fart-weilding lass, there might be some Crop Dusting done on stage right as the last song ends... But yes, Terry from North Texas... we fart (somewhere) at work.

I love Karma. And this is not going to be a discussion about any of the girls I've danced with who used that name. No, this is about the Real Deal. Karma. I consider Myself to be honest about a lot of things that some other dancers aren't honest about. If you accidentally tip Me a $50 instead of a $5, I will give it back to you. That's just how I am. Once, a girl dropped 14 $100 bills on the floor at the IR2. I gave it all back to her. I got some flack for that from other dancers. They would have kept it! Not Me... if I had been the one to lose My cash, I'd be SO thankful for it's return. Likewise if I tipped a $50 by accident. Dark clubs don't help eye sight. But anyways. A while back, several Mondays ago, was a case of Karma AND of the rare occasion that I won't hand back that big bill... There was this 20something douche of a dude in the bar. He had been there most of the day, drinking. By late night he was a Royal Asshat. He was pissing off the dancers, ...

Ok kids, let's talk about eye contact in strip clubs. Eyes communicate on their own. In their own way. They are VERY helpful to us dancin ladies. Here are some examples of customer eye messages that need to get lost: Darting your already nervous eyes around the club. This might infer that you don't trust us, you aren't sure if you SHOULD trust us, you think someone in the room is out to get you, or you're a shady creep who is probably looking to commit your 4th homicide. This look, for any and all of it's reasons? Strippers do NOT like it. Don't do it. If you MUST do it to survive? Go to a jewelry store or an airport and try that shit. Much more LULZ. The ever popular "I ain't impressed by dis here broad. I can fuck plenty of chicks hotter than her" smug smirk. With the crossed arms, and the far lean back on the chair. This is the face of a dude who thinks that every single female in the place, employee or not, is looking at him at all times a...

Something in the news has me bristled... because I've seen/heard about this too often. FORT MYERS BEACH, Fla. — A man is charged with grand theft for allegedly swiping a stripper's tips from her garter belt. The crime happened at Fantasy's at the Beach off San Carlos Boulevard on Jan. 9. The woman told deputies a man, later identified as 19-year-old Ronnie Menard, told her he wanted a lap dance. When she came offstage and asked him if he was ready, he said he wasn't because he had to go home and get money. A few minutes later, the woman said Menard approached her again and asked her to sit with him. She sat down and said Menard was eager to receive the dance immediately. As he was insisting on getting the lap dance, the woman said she felt her garter snap and then Menard jumped up and ran out of the strip club. She yelled for someone to stop him, but he got away. The woman said she had $314 in her garter, which she had counted after paying the manager the house percenta...

We at the nudie bars believe that full moons = weirdos. It might be a general bar belief... who knows. It's jus been rare, in My experience, to find a bar worker who didn't believe it. Well! Tonight was a full moon AND a lunar eclipse. Jesus fuck Me running it was double nuts. It was 8 shades of crazy. It's still NFL season, so Mondays are usually Ghost Town Central. Not tonight. A bachelor party, a birthday party, just lots more customers than usual. One fight broke out with two guys who were definitely drunk but possibly also high functioning autistic. One of the two was a VERY large man, and when 6 people had to forcibly take him out of the club, it didn't go over well. I could tell he was scared, and his friend was very confused. I felt horrid about the whole thing. The club was very tense all night. Lots of drunks. Lots of irritated personalities. At the end of the night, two very nice young ladies came in. They didn't say much to anyone. All they did was hand ...

ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!?!??!! LOL no really. I was reminded of something that happened at Tootsy's the other night. You know it's dullsville when a dancer, to prove that the customers weren't paying attention, tucked a piece of TP half out of her thong and wandered around stage like that. LAWL.

I figured, being in Florida, I'd have to quote Buffett sooner or later. Some highlights, lowlights, and Pro Tips from Monday at Tootsy's: * I measured and roughly sketched up Kaylee's tattoo. Very excited about this. * The manager taking away a dancer's cell phone smacks of Jr High, if we had cell phones when I was in Jr High... I remember having pagers taken away though! * Surprise Flan is better than Surprise Buttsex. * There is an art to Making It Rain. Paper money doesn't have much weight to it around here, so you have to toss it JUST right, or else you're looking like an idiot while you pick up the money (that you tried to give the hot chick) from the floor. Meanwhile she's waiting to leave the stage, and the other customers are doing the ol' Point And Laugh. * You might want to stop the drugs and drinking if, when on the spinning pole, you have to flag down a customer to spin you. Just sayin... * Getting spanked with money doesn't have to hurt....

Another round of Monday Night Tumbleweeds.... thank you NFL! I arrived at Tootsy's at 6:45pm, and proceeded to get sucked into a debate about seating in a limo. LOL. Fevered brain = uh... huh? I loafed about at the VIP end of the bar a while, gabbing with Kaylee and sippin some booze. Got to emit love at Aenea as I always do on Mondays. At one point, a man in a wheel chair wheeled his happy ass ALL the way across the bar to where we were sitting JUST to tell us that the Meaning Of Life is "sex, drugs and rock N role HAR HAR HAR" before he wheeled away. We kinda had a .... moment. For sure. Despite my fever, sore throat, cough... I manned the door like the champ I am. The money sucked, and it was basically a ghost town all night. Again, thank you NFL... A run down of the customer highlights for the evening: * A small group of late 50-early 60something guys. Very cool dudes. Best tippers of the evening for Me. One of them kept wandering back over to the door to lament that ...

Or is that Psycho Deviant? I'm never sure... When I arrived at Tootsy's Monday evening for My shift as your resident Awesome Door Wench , I got this overwhelming feeling that it was going to be a Strange Night. Not Monetarily Bad, or Violently Dramatic... Just... Strange. The pre-wenching was rather normal. I sat at the far end of the bar, feeding dollars into the touch screen machine that has claimed My soul. A nice, refreshing Malibu & Pineapple was sipped after My first 2 Diet Cokes of the night. I chattered with Kaylee and Aenea (My River whom I adore as her Inara), and My wifey, Sonyia. I had to break a few hearts by telling newbie customers that no, I wasn't dancing. Heh. The usual. But that feeling nagged at the back of My mind... 8pm rolled around and it was Door Wenching Time!!! *DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN* I stripped off My Playboy tee to reveal My... well, My Playboy bikini top (why ruin a good theme?). I adorned Myself in a rhinestone choker, rhinestone teardrop earr...

Eh, sometimes. On Sundays, because I rarely work, I am all about cheering on My Jets. I totally have My green & white on. I was raised on NFL (amongst other sports) so yeah, right on! Mondays however... not so much. Mondays are My designated Door Wenching nights. Football and strip clubs, in My experience, are strange bedfellows. Either the club is a ghost town and tips suck, or the customers have their eyes glued to the flat screens and not the titties and again... tips suck. Once Upon A Time, at a club I worked at 3 years ago, I had a rather WTF REALLY? experience thanks to NFL + strip club. At this particular club in question, they had a secondary stage that was quite small compared to the main stage. It was a short runway, with a huge flat screen TV at the back of it. Customers could sit at either side of the stage. Nothing really weird about the set up, IMHO... but one time, during a football game which happened to be playing on said television, I was on this mini stage. Ther...

On Monday nights, at Tootsy's, I'm the Door Wench. I sit at the front door of the club, check ID's, and handle cash. Make change, charge admission (only for the under 21 crowd, Mondays are free otherwise), and take the bar fees from the dancers. Simple shit, despite some drama from time to time. Primary objective? Make sure the 18 - 20 year olds pay, get arm bands, and have heir hands marked. Also, chase away the under 18 jackasses. Fine. Not a hard thing to do overall. WELL! Tonight a kid came in with a Florida ID that had him at being 22. Yeah, he had a baby face, but that happens. Hell, most folks think I'm in my early 20s. Fine. Looked fine, had the hologram, the secondary photo, etc. Kid gets in. Cool. He asks what the drink specials are. Rather common question from the 21+ folks. Not very common for the underagers. They're usually "HUR HUR BEER". Later on, while my manager was standing next to me chatting, another kid comes into the foyer. He looks ...

Alas, by Full Moon I mean that lovely object in the night sky... So a guy came in today, and put a dollar in my tip bucket and said "here, this will help you get that tattoo removed!" ... My response was "Well at least it will cost me less than the procedure you're gonna need to save up for to get a bigger dick." Really... WTF was the point of insulting the woman who is going to LET YOU INTO THE TITTY BAR? Maybe his fetish is cockblocking himself before he even gets into the room with the women he has no chance with. Who knows! But that was just part of the Full Moon Madness that struck us at Tootsy's Cabaret this fine night. 99.99999999999% of the dancers tonight were INSANE. Drunks, lunatics, obsessives, floozies, and morons. I had one girl ask me, FOR FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT, if she had REALLY paid her house fee. She had. 20 minutes earlier. It would have all been more tolerable if the tips hadn't sucked like Hoover's hooker neice outside of a bowli...

Time for some Strip Club Customer Fail. The first is surprisingly common. That's just all kinds of dissapointing. The latter? Pathetic. Seriously full of Fail. 1) Going to a strip club with no money. No cash, no plastic. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. It's especially mind boggling when these dudes are going to an unfamiliar club. One that may have a cover charge and/or a drink minimum... which is really common practice . Really guys? Did you honestly climb out from under a boulder 5 minutes prior to arriving at My place of work? Do you really think that strip clubs are the place to be if you are broketastic? 2) This one a fellow dancer, Alexis, told Me this past Monday... The DJ announced 2 for 1 shots. Alexis was sitting with a customer out on the floor. Alexis: "Hey, 2 for 1 shots! Wanna do a shot?" Customer: "Sure! You buy yours and I'll do the freebie!" Alexis: "Are you shitting me?!?!?!" I facepalm every time I think about this. What kind...