Your Neighborhood Professional Deviant

There is something about nudity that breaks the brain. That numbs the senses. That turns people kinda stupid.   Not all people, but enough to make the pattern quite noticeable.   One such nudity-induced derp is the inability to recognize a stripper when they have their Civilian Clothes on.     No, seriously... It happens to Me all of the time.   It's like some sort of Superman Syndrome.     Change Clark Kent's attire and no one knows who he is? Really?   Put jeans and a tee shirt on a stripper and people draw a blank? Jeebus...     Yeah yeah... I know. "But Paige, dudes at strip clubs aren't looking at your face LOL!" but really... they are. Most of the customers that I've entertained over the years have made excellent eye contact. Am I unusually blessed? I really don't think so.   When I'm at a strip club, I LOVE to People Watch. Strip clubs are amazing venues for such an activity. Add to that the 19.5...

Fuck yer gold rings. I'll take a brass pole over the gold rings any day! Back by popular demand, a parody I came up with some years back. I won't write out the WHOLE DAMN SONG, so you just get the list. Feel free to show it around, but please give me some props for the lyrics ;) The 12 Days of Stripmas is © Moi dammit. Don't make Me kick you. 12 strippers stripping (duh) 11 drunkards drinking 10 folded dollars 9 losers groping 8 bitches bitching 7 cheap asses staring 6 inch stilettos FIVE MORE SHOTS 4 purple bruises 3 stolen thongs 2 lines of coke and half my money goes to the bar!

Shopping when you're a stripper is an evolved animal. New qualities, new attitude. Suddenly you look at a bra or thong in new light. Not only do you judge look, comfort, and price, but now you also take into consideration if it will be for work and/or play, how easy it'll be to get off on stage, and if it suits/matches outfits already in your locker. You like that new shade of Healthy Stimulated Clitoris pink nail polish, but will it glow under the black lights? Will it chip off of your toe nails due to your 7 inch heeled Maryjanes? The perfume counter at TJ Nickels has a lovely variety, but which do you like AND will inspire a boner on random strangers? Hell even food shopping can be changed by becoming a stripper. "Oooh I love me some artichoke dip but I can only eat that on Wednesdays cause it's my day off and artichokes give me wicked gas!" We also can't exclude how the cashier at Burger World or Shirtopia look at us when we pay for our purchases (no matte...

Today's strippery topic is Farting. Yes.... farting. Gas. Tooting. Letting it rip. Yes, strippers fart. Why am I bringing this to light? Because I recently received an email asking if it's hard to hold it all in until AFTER work. AAAAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAAAA!!!! No, really. Hold it on? All shift? Not gonna happen. Hell, we aren't THAT mysterious and magical. Ok maybe we are but we fart at work. Trust me. Some girls might choose to let them out in the bathroom or dressing room.... But there will always be those who will use farts as weapons. Yep. Cheap, rude dipshits sitting at the stage? You might get gassed for being said cheap, rude dipshits. Or if a hated coworker is up on stage after a Fart-weilding lass, there might be some Crop Dusting done on stage right as the last song ends... But yes, Terry from North Texas... we fart (somewhere) at work.

Trust. Let's talk about it shall we? Trust in titty bars? Well yes, but this is specific. This is about trust between a stripper and their Significant Other(s). A major work hazard of stripping is rocky relationships. The industry breeds insecurity, burn out, crankiness, and lack of trust. It sucks! But today we're gonna focus on the trust part. I've often heard tales of woe from my Strippery Sisters. Tales of their Other Halves being suddenly grumpy about the whole stripping thing. Demanding retirement even!! WTF?? Um... no. Be it a lover they've met while already stripping, or be it someone they were already involved with when they got into the biz... there has to be trust! It's just a job dagnabbit! If you trust your woman, there is no reason to want her out of the strip club. Yes, she will be in various states of undress. Yes, dudes will see that. But it's just nudity. Be proud that YOUR woman is smokin hot and desirable! Roll around in that pride!...

Ahhh Huey Lewis, how I adore thee... Sometimes it makes Me quite sad to see the State Of Things in the stripping world. I miss the better money flow of My early years, even the flow I merely observed, as a Non Dancing Employee, in the clubs during the 90s. A biggy that I would see that proves My point? Back in The Day, a girl could (and would) make enough off of the more commonplace Big Spender and then hand him off to another girl who hadn't made her $$ yet that night. Yep. It used to happen. Who really  sees this much anymore? Too much Cold Shoulder, cutthroats, the shite economy, etc... I miss classier herds of dancers too. Not so much the whole Gown Club thing as the way ladies held themselves... presented themselves. On and off stage. Meh. Call Me a sentimental old fool. Tis all good. But I'd kill for a time machine. Despite all of the Wacky Hijinx I could get into in other eras, I'd still pop by the 80s or 90s to get My stripper on like they used to.

So this sad looking chick got onto the bus today and started just losing her shit. Either she was a super newb stripper, a tweaker stripper, or just a classless stripper. Maybe it was a case of D) all of the above... She got up on the bus and started declaring to all, "DON'T YOU MOTHERFUCKERS LOOK AT ME! I'M A STRIPPER MOTHERFUCKERS!! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GOTTA PAY TO LOOK AT ME!!!" As a friend once said, "oh honey noooooo." I laughed loudly when she got the boot off of the bus. Bitch only lasted one stop.... Man I miss there being more classy, clued in strippers....

Time to do the first review of a "strippish" song. Strippish? Yes. These are songs that mention strippers, stripping, and/or strip clubs in at least a few lines. I've heard tons of them, and a lot of them really are giving out the wrong messages! So, let's begin. Artist(s): Lil Jon & The Eastside Boyz (feat. Pleasure P & Shawty Putt) Song: Like A Stripper Lemme see you go round an round Lemme see you go round an round Lemme see you go round an round Lemme see you go round an round Stilettos, she in the middle of the floor Need a medal for all the junk up in her trunk Shawty dance like stripper She dance like a stripper She dance like a stripper When she dips in your patron Get to the party (party) like she workin on the floor Shawty got it (got it) when she drop it outta control Shawty dance like a stripper She dance like a stripper She dance like a stripper When she pop that catalog Shake it off (shake it off) Shake it down (shake it down) Don't stop (don...

Twitter can lead to odd things, such as this post, which is dedicated to combining the wild world of Pokemon with stripping. Yes. You read that right. LAWL. So.... here's what weirdness insomnia + booze + Twitter + 100 hours of Pokemon Leaf Green can do: If customers were Pokemanz, here's what we'd deal with: Camerupt (the customer we all fear. Get him hot and bothered and he... erupts. Ew.) Combusken (the hot head that is quick to ignite and brawl) Exploud (the big mouth. Always has to talk shit and talk shit loudly) Gastly (total creeper) Grimer (dude needs a shower! AKA not everyone should come to the titty bar directly from work) Kakuna (ew, Harden.) Koffing (you know this guy, with his fatal throat cancer AND the 8lb cigar) Lickitung (the ever popular licker.) Marowak (so boneheaded and thick. Stubborn as hell) Tangela (getting away from his tangle of grabby arms is impossible) What if strippers were Pokemanz? I haven't ma...

Ok kids, let's talk about eye contact in strip clubs. Eyes communicate on their own. In their own way. They are VERY helpful to us dancin ladies. Here are some examples of customer eye messages that need to get lost: Darting your already nervous eyes around the club. This might infer that you don't trust us, you aren't sure if you SHOULD trust us, you think someone in the room is out to get you, or you're a shady creep who is probably looking to commit your 4th homicide. This look, for any and all of it's reasons? Strippers do NOT like it. Don't do it. If you MUST do it to survive? Go to a jewelry store or an airport and try that shit. Much more LULZ. The ever popular "I ain't impressed by dis here broad. I can fuck plenty of chicks hotter than her" smug smirk. With the crossed arms, and the far lean back on the chair. This is the face of a dude who thinks that every single female in the place, employee or not, is looking at him at all times a...

I love the Bambis. No, not the dancers use it as a name (which seems silly, since Bambi means Small Child). I mean the newbies. I call them Bambis because they remind Me of that gangly animated fawn, out on the iced-over pond. Heh. I love to watch them up on stage, whipping out every move they've seen from other dancers, music videos, and late night Cinemax movies. But it's kinda like that game that kids play at camp, Telephone. It starts out clear when the trained pro does it, but by the time it filters through the Bambi brain, and gets to the Bambi hips, legs, etc... it's warped and wrong. So adorable. And sometimes, they get BETTER with practice and time. SOMETIMES. Some are just b eyond hope or help. And then you get to watch them learn the skills of the Stripper. Much like the animated fawn, they have to learn the right words. D... D... DANCE? It's so sweet to watch them grow and learn.... to blossom into real strippers. And it's fun to reflect on My Bambi days...

Something in the news has me bristled... because I've seen/heard about this too often. FORT MYERS BEACH, Fla. — A man is charged with grand theft for allegedly swiping a stripper's tips from her garter belt. The crime happened at Fantasy's at the Beach off San Carlos Boulevard on Jan. 9. The woman told deputies a man, later identified as 19-year-old Ronnie Menard, told her he wanted a lap dance. When she came offstage and asked him if he was ready, he said he wasn't because he had to go home and get money. A few minutes later, the woman said Menard approached her again and asked her to sit with him. She sat down and said Menard was eager to receive the dance immediately. As he was insisting on getting the lap dance, the woman said she felt her garter snap and then Menard jumped up and ran out of the strip club. She yelled for someone to stop him, but he got away. The woman said she had $314 in her garter, which she had counted after paying the manager the house percenta...

Had another Strip Club Dream. The big difference between this one and the others is that there were no people from any club I actually know. Usually someone I know/work with/used to work with is in the dream. Not this one. It was a HUGE club. Warehouse huge. Walmart huge. Jesus Fuck huge. A lot of dark woods and dark red leather seating. Very elegant place for something so massive. It was a classy club, and not the kind I could get into as is. Pink hair + lots of ink = Snowball In Hell. But there I was, and I was rockin it too. Of course, I could work the pole like mad in the dream... unlike Real Life. Someday I will learn 1337 pole skills. Someday! Another oddity in this dream was that none of the lockers had locks. The girls all trusted each other. Pfffffffffffthahahahaaahahahahahahahahahaaa don't we wish it were really like that? LMFAO!

Strip club lockers are like dryers. Shit gets lost. Socks, garters, body spray... it ends up falling into some void in the back of the damned locker. In some other universe, there is a black, black void. In this black void floats all the missing stripper gear. A single pink fishnet thigh high floats by. A rogue thong zooms past your head. It's like Peter F. Hamilton sat in a Victoria's Secret dressing room and wrote a novel about it. You will give up hope on that limited edition pink lip gloss and go through your mourning period. You will move on to a new shade, because deep down in your heart you know that Placid Pussy Pink would want you to move on and find happiness. After months with Melodious Mauve, what happens? The Void spits your beloved lost gloss back out and you have to go to couples counseling with both shades. Or you can go strip in Utah and keep them both. Maybe start a lip gloss harem. It's so common that it becomes totally normal shit to hear a stripper squ...

I arrived to work yesterday to find out that there had been some cut backs to save money. Less bouncers, less door girls. My spot as Monday Night Door Wench is secure, since I don't get paid to do it. But less bouncers? Yeah. We had no issues Monday, but no bouncer on Monday is not awesome. Sometimes, shit DOES happen on Monday. Ugh. Ok yeah we have the manager and the DJ if anyone needs help but... I prefer 3 Big Dudes instead of 2. The manager can do his thing, the DJ can do his, and we'd still have security. Bleh! We had one girl who was dancing in the VIP room and was... ew. The guy's hand on her ass looked like he was using her as a bowling ball, if you catch My drift. Gross. She's such a skank. But the idea of using skanky strippers as bowling balls is LULZ. One girl has been having a lot of home issues. She commented that she felt silly that Tootsy's was the only place she felt safe to turn to. Part of Me acknowledges that one needs more solid folks/places in...

Rockin the New Year at Tootsy's!

We at the nudie bars believe that full moons = weirdos. It might be a general bar belief... who knows. It's jus been rare, in My experience, to find a bar worker who didn't believe it. Well! Tonight was a full moon AND a lunar eclipse. Jesus fuck Me running it was double nuts. It was 8 shades of crazy. It's still NFL season, so Mondays are usually Ghost Town Central. Not tonight. A bachelor party, a birthday party, just lots more customers than usual. One fight broke out with two guys who were definitely drunk but possibly also high functioning autistic. One of the two was a VERY large man, and when 6 people had to forcibly take him out of the club, it didn't go over well. I could tell he was scared, and his friend was very confused. I felt horrid about the whole thing. The club was very tense all night. Lots of drunks. Lots of irritated personalities. At the end of the night, two very nice young ladies came in. They didn't say much to anyone. All they did was hand ...

Amazon.com reminded Me of something that is kind of a staple in the whole strip club "subculture" as some call it. A lot of dancers, when they want to hide what they do from people who ask about their employment status, will say "Oh, I'm a waitress!" It's a very common occurrence. And it always makes Me giggle. Well, the other day, while leering at lovely nail polishes, I came across one by OPI that made me giggle hard. The name? I'm Not Really A Waitress . VERY nicely done, OPI. Kudos on the bow to us ecdysiasts!

Back by popular demand, a parody I came up with some years back. I wont write out the WHOLE DAMN SONG, so you just get the list. Feel free to show it around, but please give me some props for the lyrics ;) 12 strippers stripping (duh) 11 drunkards drinking 10 folded dollars 9 losers groping 8 bitches bitching 7 cheap asses staring 6 inch stilettos FIVE MORE SHOTS 4 purple bruises 3 stolen thongs 2 lines of coke and half my money goes to the bar!

I took O Christmas Tree, and stripper-fied it. This parody is © Me, Myself, and PDW INC. O Nudie Bar! O nudie bar! Thy smell is so unchanging; O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy smell is so unchanging; Not only stale with lots of beers, But also sprays and cigs and tears. O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy smell is so unchanging! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Much headaches thou can'st give me; O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Much headaches thou can'st give me; How often has the nudie bar Afforded me the biggest pain! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Much headaches thou can'st give me. O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy stage lights shine so brightly! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy stage lights shine so brightly! From stage to pole, painf'ly bright, There's only strobes half the night. O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy stage lights shine so brightly! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! How poorly dudes have tipped me! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! How poorly dudes have tipped me! Thou bidst us sober and classy be, A...