Your Neighborhood Professional Deviant

An instance where beating someone with the STFUGTFO stick is a reasonable reaction: When a guy's intro to wanting to buy a dance from you is “Yeeeaaaahhhh.... I married a stripper once. So you know I am SO all about rockin the pussy! Let's dance!” That's supposed to be encouraging, how? Oh, but it gets better... when you decline he tries to taunt you with “Well, I guess I'll just go spend this ten dollars elsewhere huh?” You do that, assbag. No one here cares that, once upon a time, a woman in the same line of work as us had to put up with you. Not our problem. Not our concern. If we did give a shit, we’d be spending an awful lot of our hard earned cash on condolence cards for all of these women we hear so much about. And why should it matter that your ex was a stripper? Does that magically enhance your manliness and prowess? Does that give you +7 Stud? Is it better than having married a bank teller or a chef? Is that an upgrade from, perhaps, the cashier at Burger King...

Today's strippery topic is Farting. Yes.... farting. Gas. Tooting. Letting it rip. Yes, strippers fart. Why am I bringing this to light? Because I recently received an email asking if it's hard to hold it all in until AFTER work. AAAAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAAAA!!!! No, really. Hold it on? All shift? Not gonna happen. Hell, we aren't THAT mysterious and magical. Ok maybe we are but we fart at work. Trust me. Some girls might choose to let them out in the bathroom or dressing room.... But there will always be those who will use farts as weapons. Yep. Cheap, rude dipshits sitting at the stage? You might get gassed for being said cheap, rude dipshits. Or if a hated coworker is up on stage after a Fart-weilding lass, there might be some Crop Dusting done on stage right as the last song ends... But yes, Terry from North Texas... we fart (somewhere) at work.

Hypocrisy makes Me ill. It always has. Always will. Preach and preach and preach, but only when the people you now call BAD have turned you down for TEH RANDOM SEX! Case in point, a certain dick-driven male on Facebook (that narrows it down, I realize...) who added a fuck ton of strippers, porn stars, adult models, etc. Ok. That's nothing new. A lot of My fans on Facebook have a ton of other ladies listed. Most of them I know or know of. But this fine fellow? One day he decides to post this gem on his Facebook: I cant believe these porn sluts call themselves actors and actresses. U dont have 2 know how 2 act 2 fuck on camera. Smmfh Stop calling yourself an actress and call yourself what u really r. A whore. Of course I call him out on the bullshit of that entire statement, AND that he is a serious hypocrite for saying such bullshit when he has all of us hard working ladies on his "friends" list. He never once defends add requesting us, but he goes on to tell me that all F...

I love Karma. And this is not going to be a discussion about any of the girls I've danced with who used that name. No, this is about the Real Deal. Karma. I consider Myself to be honest about a lot of things that some other dancers aren't honest about. If you accidentally tip Me a $50 instead of a $5, I will give it back to you. That's just how I am. Once, a girl dropped 14 $100 bills on the floor at the IR2. I gave it all back to her. I got some flack for that from other dancers. They would have kept it! Not Me... if I had been the one to lose My cash, I'd be SO thankful for it's return. Likewise if I tipped a $50 by accident. Dark clubs don't help eye sight. But anyways. A while back, several Mondays ago, was a case of Karma AND of the rare occasion that I won't hand back that big bill... There was this 20something douche of a dude in the bar. He had been there most of the day, drinking. By late night he was a Royal Asshat. He was pissing off the dancers, ...

I figured, being in Florida, I'd have to quote Buffett sooner or later. Some highlights, lowlights, and Pro Tips from Monday at Tootsy's: * I measured and roughly sketched up Kaylee's tattoo. Very excited about this. * The manager taking away a dancer's cell phone smacks of Jr High, if we had cell phones when I was in Jr High... I remember having pagers taken away though! * Surprise Flan is better than Surprise Buttsex. * There is an art to Making It Rain. Paper money doesn't have much weight to it around here, so you have to toss it JUST right, or else you're looking like an idiot while you pick up the money (that you tried to give the hot chick) from the floor. Meanwhile she's waiting to leave the stage, and the other customers are doing the ol' Point And Laugh. * You might want to stop the drugs and drinking if, when on the spinning pole, you have to flag down a customer to spin you. Just sayin... * Getting spanked with money doesn't have to hurt....