Your Neighborhood Professional Deviant

There is something about nudity that breaks the brain. That numbs the senses. That turns people kinda stupid.   Not all people, but enough to make the pattern quite noticeable.   One such nudity-induced derp is the inability to recognize a stripper when they have their Civilian Clothes on.     No, seriously... It happens to Me all of the time.   It's like some sort of Superman Syndrome.     Change Clark Kent's attire and no one knows who he is? Really?   Put jeans and a tee shirt on a stripper and people draw a blank? Jeebus...     Yeah yeah... I know. "But Paige, dudes at strip clubs aren't looking at your face LOL!" but really... they are. Most of the customers that I've entertained over the years have made excellent eye contact. Am I unusually blessed? I really don't think so.   When I'm at a strip club, I LOVE to People Watch. Strip clubs are amazing venues for such an activity. Add to that the 19.5...

Between common sense, pride, and a bit of OCD, I always have some sort of perfume or body spray on. And that’s after I’m scrubbed clean Like A Boss. Hygiene is awesome. Whenever a customer at the bar compliments My scent, I always thank him and reply with “Cause no one likes a stinky stripper!” Duh. It can’t get more Truth than that. Well, ok maybe there is a guy out there with a Stinky Stripper Fetish. But, for the most part, customers appreciate a lack of stank on their adult entertainers. Guys... Dudes... Fellas... Homies... We strippers like a lack of stank on our customers, too. Quid Pro Quo up in this bitch. Ok? For those lacking any sense of Commonly Used Latin, it means This For That. As in, we bathe, so you should too. I don’t know the Latin for “wash your ass” but whatever it is, I want to burn it onto a 2 x 4 and beat some stanky dudes with it. Seriously. Nothing makes a lapdance harder to do than trying not to pass out from your foul odor. We have to be all cute, be all gr...

Some establishments have dress codes. Some are just the choice of the owners, some are common sense. Like you don’t wear a ball gown to work at Arby’s. Like you don’t wear a bikini to a 4 star restaurant. Like you don’t wear jeans to the gym. Speaking of the gym… hey guys? Can you wear your gym clothes to the gym, but not to the titty bar? I know sweats and jogging pants are comfy and shit like that, but seriously? I DON’T WANT TO FEEL YOUR PENIS ON MY THIGH. This blog post is for both types of Gym Clothes Customers. 1st we have the dude who honestly doesn’t know that it’s creepy, gross, and skeevy to get lapdances while wearing gym clothes. There’d be less friction if I stuck a whisk up My cooter. Seriously. Kitchen utensils violating My uterus would be 100 times better than feeling your erection through polyester. Write this shit down because there WILL be a pop quiz. PS: I can’t speak for every chick out there who doesn’t hate the dick, but I personally think that any dude that wea...

An instance where beating someone with the STFUGTFO stick is a reasonable reaction: When a guy's intro to wanting to buy a dance from you is “Yeeeaaaahhhh.... I married a stripper once. So you know I am SO all about rockin the pussy! Let's dance!” That's supposed to be encouraging, how? Oh, but it gets better... when you decline he tries to taunt you with “Well, I guess I'll just go spend this ten dollars elsewhere huh?” You do that, assbag. No one here cares that, once upon a time, a woman in the same line of work as us had to put up with you. Not our problem. Not our concern. If we did give a shit, we’d be spending an awful lot of our hard earned cash on condolence cards for all of these women we hear so much about. And why should it matter that your ex was a stripper? Does that magically enhance your manliness and prowess? Does that give you +7 Stud? Is it better than having married a bank teller or a chef? Is that an upgrade from, perhaps, the cashier at Burger King...

Twitter can lead to odd things, such as this post, which is dedicated to combining the wild world of Pokemon with stripping. Yes. You read that right. LAWL. So.... here's what weirdness insomnia + booze + Twitter + 100 hours of Pokemon Leaf Green can do: If customers were Pokemanz, here's what we'd deal with: Camerupt (the customer we all fear. Get him hot and bothered and he... erupts. Ew.) Combusken (the hot head that is quick to ignite and brawl) Exploud (the big mouth. Always has to talk shit and talk shit loudly) Gastly (total creeper) Grimer (dude needs a shower! AKA not everyone should come to the titty bar directly from work) Kakuna (ew, Harden.) Koffing (you know this guy, with his fatal throat cancer AND the 8lb cigar) Lickitung (the ever popular licker.) Marowak (so boneheaded and thick. Stubborn as hell) Tangela (getting away from his tangle of grabby arms is impossible) What if strippers were Pokemanz? I haven't ma...

Ok kids, let's talk about eye contact in strip clubs. Eyes communicate on their own. In their own way. They are VERY helpful to us dancin ladies. Here are some examples of customer eye messages that need to get lost: Darting your already nervous eyes around the club. This might infer that you don't trust us, you aren't sure if you SHOULD trust us, you think someone in the room is out to get you, or you're a shady creep who is probably looking to commit your 4th homicide. This look, for any and all of it's reasons? Strippers do NOT like it. Don't do it. If you MUST do it to survive? Go to a jewelry store or an airport and try that shit. Much more LULZ. The ever popular "I ain't impressed by dis here broad. I can fuck plenty of chicks hotter than her" smug smirk. With the crossed arms, and the far lean back on the chair. This is the face of a dude who thinks that every single female in the place, employee or not, is looking at him at all times a...

The blow up doll of doom LOL. Specifically, the blow up doll of doom for Lee's birthday. She's supposed to be Belladonna but... hur hur.

I took O Christmas Tree, and stripper-fied it. This parody is © Me, Myself, and PDW INC. O Nudie Bar! O nudie bar! Thy smell is so unchanging; O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy smell is so unchanging; Not only stale with lots of beers, But also sprays and cigs and tears. O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy smell is so unchanging! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Much headaches thou can'st give me; O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Much headaches thou can'st give me; How often has the nudie bar Afforded me the biggest pain! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Much headaches thou can'st give me. O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy stage lights shine so brightly! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy stage lights shine so brightly! From stage to pole, painf'ly bright, There's only strobes half the night. O nudie bar! O nudie bar! Thy stage lights shine so brightly! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! How poorly dudes have tipped me! O nudie bar! O nudie bar! How poorly dudes have tipped me! Thou bidst us sober and classy be, A...

Another round of Monday Night Tumbleweeds.... thank you NFL! I arrived at Tootsy's at 6:45pm, and proceeded to get sucked into a debate about seating in a limo. LOL. Fevered brain = uh... huh? I loafed about at the VIP end of the bar a while, gabbing with Kaylee and sippin some booze. Got to emit love at Aenea as I always do on Mondays. At one point, a man in a wheel chair wheeled his happy ass ALL the way across the bar to where we were sitting JUST to tell us that the Meaning Of Life is "sex, drugs and rock N role HAR HAR HAR" before he wheeled away. We kinda had a .... moment. For sure. Despite my fever, sore throat, cough... I manned the door like the champ I am. The money sucked, and it was basically a ghost town all night. Again, thank you NFL... A run down of the customer highlights for the evening: * A small group of late 50-early 60something guys. Very cool dudes. Best tippers of the evening for Me. One of them kept wandering back over to the door to lament that ...

Eh, sometimes. On Sundays, because I rarely work, I am all about cheering on My Jets. I totally have My green & white on. I was raised on NFL (amongst other sports) so yeah, right on! Mondays however... not so much. Mondays are My designated Door Wenching nights. Football and strip clubs, in My experience, are strange bedfellows. Either the club is a ghost town and tips suck, or the customers have their eyes glued to the flat screens and not the titties and again... tips suck. Once Upon A Time, at a club I worked at 3 years ago, I had a rather WTF REALLY? experience thanks to NFL + strip club. At this particular club in question, they had a secondary stage that was quite small compared to the main stage. It was a short runway, with a huge flat screen TV at the back of it. Customers could sit at either side of the stage. Nothing really weird about the set up, IMHO... but one time, during a football game which happened to be playing on said television, I was on this mini stage. Ther...

I should have nights like this OFTEN lol. 99% of this came from one dude. I did ONE dance for him. That picture? That right there is $1187.00. Best. Night. Ever. Evereverever. I rock so hard right now it's probably offensive.

there is NOTHING bad about getting a $50 tip for handing someone their drink!

Shitty quality phone camera is shitty.... Despite health issues and it being a Last Minute Coverage night, things weren't so bad at Tootsy's tonight. I was Door Wench Extraordinaire again, and it was gleeful at some points! Some groovy folks kept Me company. Some fun chicks made Me smile. Wife #1 worked, which is always good! Little Sister worked too. Cameltoe Salad FTW! Tips didn't suck. It wasn't enough to get the rest of My ink done on Friday, but it will work well towards bills. Ew, bills. My new makeup loves are NYC's Cheek Glow in Riverside Rose for My eyeshadow, and NYC'sLippin Large plumping gloss in Plum Tart. My sexymeter almost crashed.

Alas, by Full Moon I mean that lovely object in the night sky... So a guy came in today, and put a dollar in my tip bucket and said "here, this will help you get that tattoo removed!" ... My response was "Well at least it will cost me less than the procedure you're gonna need to save up for to get a bigger dick." Really... WTF was the point of insulting the woman who is going to LET YOU INTO THE TITTY BAR? Maybe his fetish is cockblocking himself before he even gets into the room with the women he has no chance with. Who knows! But that was just part of the Full Moon Madness that struck us at Tootsy's Cabaret this fine night. 99.99999999999% of the dancers tonight were INSANE. Drunks, lunatics, obsessives, floozies, and morons. I had one girl ask me, FOR FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT, if she had REALLY paid her house fee. She had. 20 minutes earlier. It would have all been more tolerable if the tips hadn't sucked like Hoover's hooker neice outside of a bowli...

Time for some Strip Club Customer Fail. The first is surprisingly common. That's just all kinds of dissapointing. The latter? Pathetic. Seriously full of Fail. 1) Going to a strip club with no money. No cash, no plastic. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. It's especially mind boggling when these dudes are going to an unfamiliar club. One that may have a cover charge and/or a drink minimum... which is really common practice . Really guys? Did you honestly climb out from under a boulder 5 minutes prior to arriving at My place of work? Do you really think that strip clubs are the place to be if you are broketastic? 2) This one a fellow dancer, Alexis, told Me this past Monday... The DJ announced 2 for 1 shots. Alexis was sitting with a customer out on the floor. Alexis: "Hey, 2 for 1 shots! Wanna do a shot?" Customer: "Sure! You buy yours and I'll do the freebie!" Alexis: "Are you shitting me?!?!?!" I facepalm every time I think about this. What kind...

In 4 hours ya'll can find Me at the front door of Tootsy's Cabaret, demanding to see IDs. I will be doing so in a way most pleasing to the eye, I promise. ;) I pray to the Nudie Gods that it will be a profitable evening.

"A real man will tell you that he loves you just to make you smile. A real customer will tell you that he loves you just to get out of having to tip you for a lap dance."