Saturday, December 22, 2012

Kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it

Plans for another costume. Porn Star Cat Girl.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Maybe I think too much...

When I saw these, first I had flashbacks of bearskin rugs and their fake teeth and tongues.

Then my brain went to Nerdland. If the centre of the platform is hollowed out like that, wouldn't they be less likely to hold Me up? Would the mouth snap? Hmmm.

Friday, September 21, 2012

I'll kick you out of my home if you don't cut that hair

Up until this week I've been fairly sure about My hair goals. Grow, baby grow!

Suddenly, I'm not so sure anymore.

Egads!

To sum up the Hair Length Story for any newbies out there:

Hair to My waist until age 13.

Cut it all off super short, in a Single White Female sort of way. Kept it short throughout high school and some college.

Let it grow back out from 1997 to 2010. It ranged from mid-back length to waist length.

After much torture and abuse using bleach, cut My hair back to the Super Short look in 2011.

And now I have this chin-length thing going on…

I’ve been swearing up and down, since I had it snipped all off last year, that I was growing it back long. That I didn’t miss the Super Short thing that I rocked as a teen. But now I’m not so sure.

It’d be easier to color.

It’d be easy to maintain.

It makes wearing wigs a lot easier, and I can always stock up on lots and lots of said wigs, for whenever I get the urge to have long hair.

Here are some examples of both long hair and short hair on Me:

I’d like to know what My friends and fans think! Cast your vote and help Me get off this damned fence!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I can't get you out of my head God knows I've tried

Welcome to the Go Ahead And Laugh At Me edition of Songs Currently Stuck In My Head.

Usually it annoys the fuck out of Me* when people’s initial and/or only response is “that song sucks!”. Insulting Me with your opinion is kinda stab-worthy IMHO. But this time you may giggle, snicker, or lawl at Me, but try not to be rude about it, ok kids? Don’t make Me turn this blog around and go home.

Thanks to a good friend’s kids, the following two songs have been Crazy Glued to My gray matter for weeks:



Yeah yeah, I know this drops Me into the Lame Teenage Girl category, but I think it’s got a fun beat and the lyrics are adorable. If dudes were that sweet more often, I’d probably be (slightly) less gay**.



Whaaaaaaat? The beat is catchy! I can’t scrape it out of My head! I’ve tried! I even used one of those Scrape Ice Off Yer Windshield scraper thingies. That shit just hurt real bad and screwed up My sense of smell for a week.

And thanks to a store I frequent, this song has been squatting in My brainpan for about a month:



This song is fairly groovy to Me. It always makes Me wanna skip and sing along. I love to sing along to the “la la la… WHATEVER” part the best. And kudos for using “Zach Galifianakis” as lyrics. I lawled the first few times I heard that…

So yeah, those three songs are constantly shuffling around in the iPod that My brain bought cheap at a flea market. I keep hoping it wasn’t stolen. It’d be inconvenient if My brain got arrested.






* Never understood the term “annoys the fuck out of me”. If something is annoying, why would it get a fuck out of you? Wouldn’t good things instead get you to fuck?

** As of the date of this post, I’m about 92% gay. It is always subject to change, but neither Gay nor Hetero ever get 0% from Me. It’ll never happen, either.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I know you're tired of the things they say

This bit of textual verbosity isn’t really part of any of the usual themes you find here on My blog. Though, I’m sure that, while being your usual deviant selves, you might come across such situations.

There are so many annoying sounds out there in the world, and an infinite number of reactions to them.

Some people cringe. Some people plug their ears. Some even claw their eyes out. (For the latter, a nice Hug Myself jacket and Thorazine will usually take care of the sounds.)

But there are some voices out there that are so horrifying and frightening that there is only one thing a person can do to deal with it properly.

Your butthole clenches up, with the might of 350 ton octopi tying a grocery bag into a knot. And they sound as your sphincter prepares for incoming assault is not unlike the vacuum-lock sounds used in sci-fi movies for air-lock doors on spaceships.

Some people’s voices are so very, very, bad, that My tightening butthole will sometimes be tightened up in a Grip Of Death that I start to refer to it as My 2nd belly button.

I could make a fortune with enough carbon and a herd of Upper Class Prissy bitches from Long Island (Suffolk County, mind you) I could poop diamonds all the time! Just shove the carbon on in and sit back as the Hirschfeld Sisters from Speonk to read Me the Sears Holiday catalog, complete with their color commentary on how their uncle Saul can get Me much better deals on REAL leather coats! No lie!

We don’t get a lot of feedback here on this blog, mostly on My Facebook. C’mon kids! Join Me here and answer Me this? How does your body react to Vile Evil, Horrendous voices? I bet some of you are butthole clenchers too!!!!

Workin' at the car wash yeah

So I was heading to Tootsy's to work this past weekend, and there was a lot of condensation on the back windshield of My car. I rummaged through said car, looking for a paper towel or something that would help remove the water, but all I had was My bag of work clothes. So I yanked out a pair of Jenni boy shorts that I rarely wear but always take, and wiped the windshield down. Best chamois ever. Neon pink with neon yellow lace. I'm sure My neighbors were more confused than they usually are. I think I'm gonna market shammies in fun colors now. Teeheehee.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

I get by with a little help from my friends

Don't talk with your mouth open

Before I get into this story of WTFery, I want to make it VERY clear that I do NOT in any way dislike people who have

weight issues of any kind. I’ve had weight problems, I’ve dated chicks who the "norm" consider to have weight problems.

NOW! Onto the fun…

I was waiting in line at, of all places, Nature’s Table, for My chow. The very obese lady ahead of Me suddenly, and quite loudly exclaimed; “Ew this is fucking disgusting. It’s more disgusting than being gay!”

My head snapped around and My brows shot for the ceiling at such speeds that there were actual sound effects heard by all.

This behemoth cunt looks at Me and snears, “What? You got a fuckin problem? What are ya? Queer?”

Adding in a lil dot dot dot for dramatic pause:







Soooooooooooooooooooooooo……..

I couldn’t get My brows any further up into My hairline, as just hiding up in My bangs wasn’t good enough for them.

“Yes I am queer, actually. Please allow Me to clarify something here, for I do not wish to misconstrue. If something is gross, disgusting, or juts bad, it’s gay?”

“yeah…” Jabba The Slut drawled.

“And you say this because gay people and being gay is disgusting?” I asked.

She simply nodded her head, crossing her smug, overconfident arms of meat and fat over her tree trunk of an upper body.

“Ok thanks, I get it now.” I said, “From now on when I see something gross or disgusting or just plain ol shit… I’m going to say “Ew, this is disgusting! This is so FAT BITCH!”

And I turned, salad in hand, and sauntered My fine behind back to work.

Hhhmmmmpphh!!!!

Hearing that cuntasaurus squawk and cuss as I walked away was music to My ears.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

just make sure you smellin right

Between common sense, pride, and a bit of OCD, I always have some sort of perfume or body spray on. And that’s after I’m scrubbed clean Like A Boss.

Hygiene is awesome.

Whenever a customer at the bar compliments My scent, I always thank him and reply with “Cause no one likes a stinky stripper!”

Duh. It can’t get more Truth than that.

Well, ok maybe there is a guy out there with a Stinky Stripper Fetish. But, for the most part, customers appreciate a lack of stank on their adult entertainers.

Guys...

Dudes...

Fellas...

Homies...

We strippers like a lack of stank on our customers, too.

Quid Pro Quo up in this bitch. Ok? For those lacking any sense of Commonly Used Latin, it means This For That. As in, we bathe, so you should too. I don’t know the Latin for “wash your ass” but whatever it is, I want to burn it onto a 2 x 4 and beat some stanky dudes with it. Seriously.

Nothing makes a lapdance harder to do than trying not to pass out from your foul odor. We have to be all cute, be all graceful, be all sexy, all while wearing Super Tall Shoes, AND we have to keep from fainting because your smell just punched us in the face? No. Do us a bit of a favor and make this job a little easier on us. Take the soap, rub it on your skin. Take the deodorant, and rub it under your arms until yer pits look like snow-covered valleys. Make us think about skiing, that’s how much De-stankifier you put on. Ok?

And for the love of fuck, try your damndest to go home and shower between work and the grindathon you have planned with your local Professional Nudist.

I understand that we are such fantastically amazing women that you can barely contain yourselves and NEED TO GET TO US ASAP! But holy shitballs, please go shower first. We will be VERY VERY grateful for it. Some of us might even grind a bit more than usual to show our appreciation at your lack of nasty.

It’s gotten to the point, for Me personally, that I am pondering making a De-Stank Kit to keep in My locker. It’ll be packed full of soap, deodorant, cologne, handi-wipes, rubbing alchohol, Windex, industrial-grade cleaning liquid, and some Brillo pads. If I could, I’d have a fire hose somewhere in the bar as well.

Gods-damned, motherfucking, nasty-ass, stanky butted, foul, gross, repulsive, vomit-inspiring stinky bastards!

BRB, gotta catch my breath…













Whew, ok! All better! I swear…

So to sum up… guys! If you want us to rub our sexiness all over you, please rub soap all over you first.

Don’t make Me pull a Homeless Dude At A Red Light and chase you down with a squeegee. I will. And after I clean you with it, I will beat you with it.

Dressed like a slob, keeps his hair braided

Some establishments have dress codes. Some are just the choice of the owners, some are common sense.

Like you don’t wear a ball gown to work at Arby’s.

Like you don’t wear a bikini to a 4 star restaurant.

Like you don’t wear jeans to the gym.

Speaking of the gym… hey guys? Can you wear your gym clothes to the gym, but not to the titty bar? I know sweats and jogging pants are comfy and shit like that, but seriously? I DON’T WANT TO FEEL YOUR PENIS ON MY THIGH.

This blog post is for both types of Gym Clothes Customers.

1st we have the dude who honestly doesn’t know that it’s creepy, gross, and skeevy to get lapdances while wearing gym clothes. There’d be less friction if I stuck a whisk up My cooter. Seriously. Kitchen utensils violating My uterus would be 100 times better than feeling your erection through polyester. Write this shit down because there WILL be a pop quiz.

PS: I can’t speak for every chick out there who doesn’t hate the dick, but I personally think that any dude that wears sweats, jogging pants, or pajama pants to ANY bar or nightclub should be beaten severely with the Fashion Stick. Just sayin. Just puttin that out there.

On to the 2nd kind of Gym Clothes Customer.

Mr. IDoThisOnPurposeBecauseI’mANastyFreak.

Yeah, I’m talkin to you, you McNasty bastards. You know who you are. You giggle to yourself while you choose which pair of paper-thin pants you’re gonna sport so that you give us lucky, lucky ladies extra attention with your Freak Stick. You can’t wait until you can use your barely contained Pork Sword to duel with random pelvises… pelvii? Whatever. It’s gross.

If it were up to Me, in every strip club, right next to the fire extinguisher, would be an Emergency Gym Clothes Perv Containment Kit.

Said kit would contain 3 items.

First would be a stainless steel crotch cover. You simply lay it over the offending lap and voila! Instant barrier between the pristine ecdysiast crotch and the Bonerville Parade.

Second would be a can of mace. No, fuck that… a spray can of rubbing alcohol and jalapeƱo pepper juice. Blind the dirty bastards!

Then, while he’s flailing around blindly, you whip out item number three! A car stereo antenna wrapped in barbed wire. Beat his creepy ass right out of the bar!

And as for you folks who do not fall into either category, I have something for you to remember also!

Dudes, if your wingman shows up to hit the strip clubs wearing gym clothes, threaten his life. Chase his ass back to his closet with a baseball bat. Or a rabid weasel. Whatever. Just get his ass in jeans! Or slacks!

Ladies! If a customer walks into your club in gym clothes, threaten to make his genitalia part of the chum they use on Shark Week. Threaten to coat him in Boiled Peanut-scented body spray and throw him to a pack of vicious, inbred, mountain women!
Seriously people. Just say no to gym clothes in the strip clubs!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

When I come up in the club I'm talkin mad shit...

An instance where beating someone with the STFUGTFO stick is a reasonable reaction:

When a guy's intro to wanting to buy a dance from you is “Yeeeaaaahhhh.... I married a stripper once. So you know I am SO all about rockin the pussy! Let's dance!”

That's supposed to be encouraging, how? Oh, but it gets better... when you decline he tries to taunt you with “Well, I guess I'll just go spend this ten dollars elsewhere huh?”

You do that, assbag.

No one here cares that, once upon a time, a woman in the same line of work as us had to put up with you. Not our problem. Not our concern. If we did give a shit, we’d be spending an awful lot of our hard earned cash on condolence cards for all of these women we hear so much about. And why should it matter that your ex was a stripper? Does that magically enhance your manliness and prowess? Does that give you +7 Stud? Is it better than having married a bank teller or a chef? Is that an upgrade from, perhaps, the cashier at Burger King? Do tell, oh Mr McSmooth, because we’re dying to know. Really. If you don’t let us in on the secret, strippers everywhere will commit ritual suicide by stabbing ourselves in the vagina. With stainless steel knives.

They slice, they dice, they put us out of our misery!

PS: Just because you got hitched, doesn’t mean you are skilled with yer dick. Just wanted to point that out.

PPS: Strippers aren’t automatically experts on Amazing Sex. There are just as many strippers, who think that your 10 minute dash with your Thumb Sized Love is amazing, as there are women in any other profession. They say that there is a sucker born every minute. They don’t all choose the same profession.

I dunno if there is a PPPS but if there is: How you are in bed has no correlation with a stripper wanting a lapdance with you. It only matters that you have the correct payment. Ok? Sorry if that bursts some bubble in Mr Delusional’s Land Of Happy. We could care less if you can keep up with porn stars in the sack. Hell, we could care less if you could juggle flaming chainsaws with your cock. Ok, maybe that WOULD be cool to see… but the point is that CASH = LAPDANCE. SEXUAL SAVVY =/= LAPDANCE. Write this down! Commit it to memory. At least until the beer foam carries it away.

And My last notation on your fumble… Most of us aren’t so desperate, that your threat of not getting ONE dance isn’t going to make us run to the dressing room and weep into our booty shorts. Our hearts aren’t going to break, and there won’t be the sound of shattered dreams (which is not unlike dropping fine china off of the Chrysler Building).

So take that ten bucks, hit McDonalds, and go nuts. Get a Happy Meal. Shit, get two. Then you can take the toys home and have someone to talk to just before you fall into your Bud Light-induced coma for the night. Like always.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Don't break my heart again like you did before

Awwww yeah, it's time for another review! Today I have a <3 set from Charmed (they're a sister company of Maidenform) that is so damned cute, and not just for Valentine's Day! I love the pattern, I love the lace. The bra pushes up just enough to be fun, and if I want to be a bit cheeky, I let the lace trim show above my shirt. The undies are super comfy, which is always a plus. Cute as hell and enjoyable to wear? Major thumbs up for this set.

Monday, July 16, 2012

I like the way it looks 'cause your booty so fat

Sunday, February 05, 2012

You've got all these great answers to all these great questions

Q1) You sure are a busy lady! What do you do in your spare time?

A1) I have spare time? LOL ok I admit, sometimes I do. And sometimes I have enough energy to do something other than sleep! So let’s see here, how about a list of Leisure Activities?

I work on new art! When I have the supplies, I do things from make stained glass to bullet jewelry, I make collages, paint, sketch… but My major passion is PC-related. I design fractal art.

I play video games. On the PC I have a lot of retro games and Pokemon games via emulators, I play on My 360… games like Castlevania, Soul Calibur, Bayonetta, Final Fantasy, Alan Wake… and I still have a PS2, a PS1, and an NES! I love retro games, horror, fighting, and RPG games.

I read a lot. Mostly fantasy, crime suspense, and paranormal romance. I love a few series, such as the Lincoln Rhyme series by Jefferey Deaver, The Lords series by Gena Showalter, and the Dresden series by Jim Butler. I also love biographical and pictoral biographies about favorite actors, artists, musicians, places…



Q2) How exactly does the transition from “I like to whip people” to “I get paid to whip people” take place?

A2) Oh good one! For Me personally, I was whipping people for fun when, one day, I met a Pro Domme and we were talking about All Things Kink. I said I would love to do what she does, and she liked My personality, so she offered to train Me.
For others, it might be just wanting the $ and hitting up a local dungeon to see if they hire/train.

Or one might run into a Pro via a Munch, or going to a kinky club… then you two hit it off and training happens.

I’ve even seen the opposite occur. A chick (or dude) gets a gig at a dungeon, or is an escort… learns the trade, and THEN realizes they like it and do it for fun!




Q3) What would be your perfect date?

A3) Oh My… a date! A date? Ok! Well, I’m going to look at this from the Newly Dating angle. When things are fresh and sparkly. When folks are still trying hard enough to make that statement of “I am very interested in pursuing you.”

First off, I’d like a reason to get dressed up all fancy. I love seeing a couple all dressed up together. It isn’t really the whole idea of wherever they’re going is pricey and swanky and $$$, but it’s the feel of being all fancified and glamorous and special. I enjoy that feeling, and it’d be nice to be able to do that kind of enjoying on occasion. So yes. All dressed up, but is there somewhere to go?




Sure, let us go to that upscale restaurant for once. Even if it’s a Once In A Lifetime thing. Or, at least, Once In Our Time together. Heh! The ambiance, the food, the time spent together feeling swanky. It all combines to a really great feeling.




Yes, I’m focused on feelings. They’re important in this whole dating thing, after all!

So we’re dining, we’re looking and feeling amazing, and we’re chatting about everything we can think of. Getting To Know You is a great thing. I love that stage in Dating. Tis super important and fun at the same time. So we get a lot of that done, and even manage to slip in a few pieces of Inappropriate Conversation, low key, just for the giggles of doing so in such a fine establishment. Hah!

The meal was a hit, and we still look good. Dinner and dancing? Sure, but I have a twist for that. No club, no ballroom… no, take Me and My swank dress to a park or a garden. Just you, Me, and a portable radio to dance to under the moonlight. Now THAT is romantic! Intimate moments, in a place that isn’t usually thought of as intimate, but is right then and there.

After all this fun, and you walk Me to My door, don’t expect to be coming in and getting laid. That can wait for another night. What would make a perfect ending to this date? Kiss Me and whisper something that is going to keep Me awake all night, anticipating when we do hop into bed together. What? Why do you think I’d pile sex on top of such a great night? Too much stimulus can be too much. Let Me have the rest of the night to savor the date and think about horribly wicked things to do to you tomorrow!

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Check my panties and my bra

As promised, a review on some CK underthings I'd recently acquired. No, Calvin Klein did NOT ask Me to review anything. I just want to.

If anyone knows Me beyond just My face on the computer screen, you'd know I have super OCD. Oh yes. Yes I do. And one thing My OCD demands is matching clothes. Especially bra + panties. I am one cranky bitch if whats under My clothes doesn't match. Even if I'm not on stage or in front of a camera, for folks to actually SEE said underthings.

So when I was able to snag this set? Holy balls was I happy! I can match 3 times with 1 bra! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Now, I don't usually buy from CK. At least not their undies. Never really heard much about them to want to shell out what they cost brand new. But then, a new friend of mine started raving about how amazing they are and how great they feel on... and these particular underthings were on sale. So... why not?

Here are the 3 undies and the bra:







Orange usually isn't My thing. I like Hooters and all, but damn. Traffic cone colors don't do it for Me. But these? I liked these. Go figure. And the thong style always struck Me as odd. It's been a new trend for CK thongs... they look like someone cut them out of a big bolt of fabric and never added a seam. It struck Me as odd. It looked unfinished. But I was tempted to try them just because these would match the set.



Holy shit the thong is comfy! I don't like the look of them, so I didn't snap a pic in them, but they are so comfortable I could weep. The cotton panties are very comfy too, but I just can't get over the feel of that Unfinished Thong.

I will also give props to the bra. It's not a push up, which I tend to gravitate towards, but I like it. Feels good, looks good.

All in all, I'd buy more underthings from CK, but not at full price.

And for My usual pervy fans, here's some pics of Me in some of these undies!







My cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore

Who is reviewing another bit of make-uppy goodness? Me! Oh yes, yes I am. Because makeup is crack. CRACK! So let's get to the good stuff, shall we?

Macy's & Lancome are having a Gift special right now. Buy something of a certain monetary value, get the gift. Pretty straight forward. I've been eyeballing their eyeshadows for a while now, and this was a great opportunity to get the one I wanted most, and get some groovy freebies!

The shadow palette I went with is called Mauve Cherie. I love the colors, love the glitter, and they're perfect colors for My hazel eyes.

Here's the palette with the gift, including the swank bag. I picked, for My gift, the Renergie Lift Volumetry creme, Genifique concentrate, Visionnaire corrector, Aquatique shadow primer in Nude, Juicy Tubes gloss in Moulin Rose, and Hypnose Doll Lashes in So Black!... Squee.



This is the Mauve Cherie palette. The taupe and the black have great glitter in them. Not too heavy on the glitter, but it's there and it sparkles!




Swatches with a flash. The beige, then the mauves, then the taupe and black.



Same swatch order, sans flash.



And here they are on Me. The 2nd mauve is very subtle when put on with the 1st. Not a huge difference between them, IMHO. Blending them together seems to be useless. But I will try a few more times/ways to be sure. I'd like to play with JUST the black at some point, see how it looks alone. Details to follow, probably added to this post.





The beige is super light. I like it, but I dunno if I like how the application guide that come with the palette use it. They suggest using it on the entire lid, up to the brow.. but it might be TOO light for Me in particular. Anyone more pale than I? Might be better for ya.

I like this palette. I like how it compliments and brings out My eye color. I love the shine and the glitter to it. It makes Me squee quite a bit.

The primer is also very groovy. So far it is keeping the shadows still and bright.

I will add to this review for the lip gloss and mascara later on.

UPDATE:

Tried using the glittery taupe as a base, the beige, that they suggested as base, as a highlight at the brow, and the bolder mauve on the lower half of the lid. Like this combo a lot.

The mascara almost rivals My current love, Rimmel's Glam Eyes. Almost. It keeps the lashes nice and seperated, and it lengthens, but not quite as much as the Glam Eyes. However, I do really, really like how this mascara works on My lower lashes. Length and seperation like a BOSS! Major thumbs up for that.

The lip gloss... When you get it out of the tube, it looks very opaque. A bright bubblegum pink. But it goes on very sheer. It gives a good deal of shine, and just a touch of color. A bit sticky, but I'm ok with that.