Tuesday, August 07, 2012

just make sure you smellin right

Between common sense, pride, and a bit of OCD, I always have some sort of perfume or body spray on. And that’s after I’m scrubbed clean Like A Boss.

Hygiene is awesome.

Whenever a customer at the bar compliments My scent, I always thank him and reply with “Cause no one likes a stinky stripper!”

Duh. It can’t get more Truth than that.

Well, ok maybe there is a guy out there with a Stinky Stripper Fetish. But, for the most part, customers appreciate a lack of stank on their adult entertainers.





We strippers like a lack of stank on our customers, too.

Quid Pro Quo up in this bitch. Ok? For those lacking any sense of Commonly Used Latin, it means This For That. As in, we bathe, so you should too. I don’t know the Latin for “wash your ass” but whatever it is, I want to burn it onto a 2 x 4 and beat some stanky dudes with it. Seriously.

Nothing makes a lapdance harder to do than trying not to pass out from your foul odor. We have to be all cute, be all graceful, be all sexy, all while wearing Super Tall Shoes, AND we have to keep from fainting because your smell just punched us in the face? No. Do us a bit of a favor and make this job a little easier on us. Take the soap, rub it on your skin. Take the deodorant, and rub it under your arms until yer pits look like snow-covered valleys. Make us think about skiing, that’s how much De-stankifier you put on. Ok?

And for the love of fuck, try your damndest to go home and shower between work and the grindathon you have planned with your local Professional Nudist.

I understand that we are such fantastically amazing women that you can barely contain yourselves and NEED TO GET TO US ASAP! But holy shitballs, please go shower first. We will be VERY VERY grateful for it. Some of us might even grind a bit more than usual to show our appreciation at your lack of nasty.

It’s gotten to the point, for Me personally, that I am pondering making a De-Stank Kit to keep in My locker. It’ll be packed full of soap, deodorant, cologne, handi-wipes, rubbing alchohol, Windex, industrial-grade cleaning liquid, and some Brillo pads. If I could, I’d have a fire hose somewhere in the bar as well.

Gods-damned, motherfucking, nasty-ass, stanky butted, foul, gross, repulsive, vomit-inspiring stinky bastards!

BRB, gotta catch my breath…

Whew, ok! All better! I swear…

So to sum up… guys! If you want us to rub our sexiness all over you, please rub soap all over you first.

Don’t make Me pull a Homeless Dude At A Red Light and chase you down with a squeegee. I will. And after I clean you with it, I will beat you with it.