Wednesday, December 02, 2015

I hate to say it but face the facts

Dear Feminism,

 

How're you doing today? Are you feeling ok? You were doing so well, but then you had a relapse. I'm worried about you!

 

Yes, I suppose that this is an intervention. No worries, I haven't called in your loved ones and a television crew. This is just you and I, chatting about your health.

 

We've known each other a long time. I admit, for a while there, I was worried about some of your decisions. Slut shaming, turning against certain women instead of supporting all of us. But you made amazing progress since then. You embraced all women. You went from "Smut is demeaning" to "these women are empowered and sex positive!" and I was so proud! You had finally figured it all out. I celebrated your accomplishment.

 

It seems that you've changed your mind, though. You've taken a step backwards, and this concerns me. Now you're back to slut shaming... you're even shaming pixelated game characters and inked comic book characters? Why? Every woman should be proud, able to wear whatever clothing (or lack thereof) they want, and should be sexually liberated. Remember? You were all about that. Now this? Selectivity isn't your best look, I'm just saying.

 

This setback that has me so worried? It's not just bad for you, it's bad for all women. It's unhealthy. I want you to be healthy. I want you to be your very best. I'm your friend, your supporter. All I've ever wanted is the very greatest of things for you. If I have to sit you down and point out things that you're doing wrong, I will. So I am. Because I care.

 

There are a lot of us who are worried about you. So many people who want to see you get better. So many people concerned about your well being. If you took a moment to see all of us, to listen to our advice... I promise you, things will turn around. Things can be amazing. We only want what's best for you. We only care about your success.

 

Another concern is your opinion of men these days. Remember when you were about equality? That was the way to do it! Everybody equal in everybody's eyes. Yay! But what's all this that you're about now? Hashtags like 'killallmen'? Trying to obliterate Father's Day? Instead of aiming for equal representation of women in various workplaces and groups, you're trying to nuke all of the men? And to see a man actually commit suicide because of the rabid exclusion that you've gotten so into? This doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't make sense to a lot of people who love you. To be honest, it scares us. It's such an unhealthy outlook on life, and ultimately it will be very bad for you. Not to mention that it's going against everything that you once stood for. Equality. Hypocrisy isn't a good look for you either. As your friend, I want you to always look your best!

 

Just know that, even though it might look like I'm against you, I'm not. I'm just trying to help you, to do what is best for you. We've been together too long for me to give up on you now.

 

Saturday, October 10, 2015

A thoughtless stream of words

Happy Caturday y'all. Whilst My Twitter has met a reasonable person's limit of cat pics, that's not why I'm here.

 

Today I'm here to tell you about the brain breaking experience that I was blessed with earlier today.

 

 

Browsing the Gates Of Heaven, AKA the cold soda selection at the gas station, My ears picked up on some teenage girls rambling on and on and on... About how amazing Miley Cyrus looked recently. They were molesting one of the girls' phone with their glassy little eyeballs. I suppose My watching them during a Cannot Even moment was obvious, because they stampeded over to My spot in front of carbonated nirvana, and proceeded to force Me to look at above mentioned Miley images. Mayhaps I look youthful enough to care, or mayhaps they assume that anyone equipped with a vagina cares, but they wanted My opinion on Miley's attire choices.

 

Correction... They wanted Me to echo their opinions on said attire. Alas, this was not meant to be! The images that they showed Me were very much in My file of Oh Honey No.

 

 

Welp... My lack of enthusiasm for Mileywear© didn't go over well. The flock of 13 year olds proceeded to deduce that, since I do not rabidly adore the fashion faux pas I was presented with, I must be a "CIS, white, hetero homophobe".

 

Yes you read Me right, not adoring everything that Miley Cyrus wears makes Me a terribad person. No, I'm not kidding. This shit is so dumb, it deserves multiple memes.

 

 

 

 

Better...

 

After the initial shock wore off, I proceeded to explain to them that I had comeout of tthe closet before Miss Fashion Police's Most Wanted was even born. I ended things off with a very classy "I am old enough to be your Grandma, if I had been scandalous. Get yo' punk asses outta here! What the fuck is wrong with your misfiring little minds?"

 

Holy shit. Please tell Me that at least SOME of their peers can function in public better than that...

Monday, July 13, 2015

An alias assumed I do recognize

There is something about nudity that breaks the brain. That numbs the senses. That turns people kinda stupid.

 

Not all people, but enough to make the pattern quite noticeable.

 

One such nudity-induced derp is the inability to recognize a stripper when they have their Civilian Clothes on.

 

 

No, seriously... It happens to Me all of the time.

 

It's like some sort of Superman Syndrome.

 

 

Change Clark Kent's attire and no one knows who he is? Really?

 

Put jeans and a tee shirt on a stripper and people draw a blank? Jeebus...

 

 

Yeah yeah... I know. "But Paige, dudes at strip clubs aren't looking at your face LOL!" but really... they are. Most of the customers that I've entertained over the years have made excellent eye contact. Am I unusually blessed? I really don't think so.

 

When I'm at a strip club, I LOVE to People Watch. Strip clubs are amazing venues for such an activity. Add to that the 19.5 years that I've been going to said venues? Yeah, I've noticed A LOT of eye contact. So the age old phrase "My eyes are up here" isn't really coming into play here.

 

 

Could it be the lighting?

 

I like to call strip club lighting "The Pretty Lights". Mostly in response to everyone angsting about "The Ugly Lights" when the normal lights come up at the end of a bar night. I also can't deny that The Pretty Lights have been very good to me over the years. Heh. Yep. No shame. Tis the truth! Most strippers will confirm.

 

 

But I don't really get "Oh, I didn't recognize you in the bright lights!". I get "Oh I didn't recognize you with clothes on!".

 

It's like being a stripping Hannah Montana.

 

(Go ahead, make your Miley jokes now.)

 

I've racked my brain for ages over this phenomenon. Maybe I'll add this to the Stripper Physics list.

 

We may laugh at how hokey the whole Clark Kent Disguise is, BUT THIS IS HAPPENING FOR REAL OMGWTFBBQ!

 

I think that this is the sort of thing that Ivy League Colleges should do studies on.

 

STRIPPERS FOR SCIENCE!

 

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Stacys mom has got it goin on

Every now and then, some cheeky dude, usually (but not always) in their teens or early 20s, thinks its a compliment to call me a MILF.

 

Er... What? No. Just no.

 

And the brain breaking doesn't stop there. I'm seeing a lot of MILF porn that casted girls who were born either while I was in high school, or after I graduated.

 

 

Stop. Please. For the love of fuck...

 

There are 2 reasons why this is destroying my brain cells.

 

1) I am not a mother. Since I've never carried a child to term, adopted, and no one considers cats to be children in this context, there is no M in this. I leave you with just the ILF. So calling me a MILF only makes sense to you. It will not score you any sort of brownie points with me. I promise.

 

2) If I did have offspring, I do not consider myself old enough to be a MILF*. And when I see these perky, youthful gals in MILF porn? Argh!

 

 

I'm some rare freak, I guess, because my mind defines MILF differently than what I'm seeing pitched as MILFs in porn these days.

 

In my mind, it was always you're a kid. You have a friend. That friend is you age, or near to so. That friend has a mom. That friend's mom is hot.

 

Now, I don't really like thinking about like... 10 year olds thinking about sex, so when all of this is playing out in my mind, that "kid" is actually a teenager so... Yeah.

 

This is why my brain doesn't process 20 year olds with toddlers as MILFs. My brain processes 40 year olds with post-pubescent kids as MILFs

 

Back in 2008, Law & Order: SVU had an episode called Babes. In this episode, some high school girls are having babies. Plot and outcome aside, one quote almost caused my brain to explode, which would have gotten glitter all over the living room ceiling. One of the teen girls said "It rocks, huh? We're totally going to be the hottest MILFs on the block." There are a lot of times when I want to reach into the TV screen and strangle the character. In this case, I wanted to strangle whoever wrote the script.

 

Go ahead, call me weird. Call me old fashioned. Just don't call me a MILF.

 

 

OK close enough...

 

 

 

* - I have 2 years 5 months and 25 days until I reach what I consider MILF age. That's 909 days. Keep count if you like, but I've been trying to become a mother for a long time, and medically the odds are not in my favor...

 

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

You splattered the bathroom with your hair dye

This blog post is per request...a pictorial history of my hair from 1999 until now. Wigs not included... I've got a masochistic side but c'mon people. Sheesh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dragon days and the fires hot

I'm putting a call out to y'all! I need some help...

 

Any of you readers out there drink Monster? Specifically the ones with the green pop tops? I need them. Many of them. Tons of them.

 

 

I'm building a dragon. Yes, a dragon. I am going to try my hand at creating a sculpture, and I need scales! I haven't chosen what I'm building the body of the dragon out of, but the pop top tabs will be PERFECT scales. So do you have any?

 

 

If you can send some, contact me on Twitter and let me know! Don't have Twitter? Really?!? Ok... then you can email me.

 

Let's make this happen!

 

 

Monday, June 29, 2015

I heard that zombies ate her brain

Guess who decided to ramble on about vidya? Huzzah! Gaming!

 

Lately I've been rather hooked on Plants Vs Zombies 2. It's conveniently on my iPhone, and it's rather fun. I loved the original game, so when I heard about it's sequel...? Oh yeah!

 

VS

FIGHT!

 

So to start things off, I played Plants Vs Zombies on the PC. I'm playing Plants Vs Zombies 2 on the above mentioned iPhone. So yeah, there are differences a'plenty. So when I compare the games, keep in mind that I'm not comparing a phone game vs a phone game...

 

One thing I like better about the sequel is the difference in the Adventure Modes. The original game has your basic areas: Day, Night, Pool, Fog, and Roof. Each area has unique challenges, which is fun... but the sequel's areas... aka eras, are much more diverse, fun, and very good looking. Instead of weather and lighting changes, the areas are a variety of time periods. Currently (they add a new area on occasion via app upgrades) the areas are: Ancient Egypt, Pirate Seas, Wild West, Far Future, Dark Ages, Big Wave Beach, Frostbite Caves, and Lost City.

 

 

Like it's predecessor, each area in PvZ2 introduces new plants and zombies. The sequel, however, introduces more of each than the original. I love this about the sequel!

 

Now, the original has it's Adventure Mode, but it also has Mini Games, Puzzles, and Survival Mode.

 

 

These prove to be a fun break from Adventure Mode, and I enjoyed trying to conquer them. The sequel does not have All of these goodies. They chose to input their endless Survival Modes a different way. Each era has it's own Endless area that is accessible after you reach a certain point in said era. The sequel also skips most of the mini games and puzzles and only offers Vase Breakers.

 

 

I miss the variety of the Mini Games and Puzzles. Vase Breakers is fun, but after a while...? I prefer a variety. PvZ2 tries to make up for the lack of other little fun bits by adding in the Yeti challenge and the Piñata Party.

 

 

The Yeti challenges can be fun, but I have one gripe... After you beat the Yeti area, it will spawn again somewhere else. That Yeti gets Frequent Flyer Miles, I swear... he's all over the place. He bops from era to era like a Time Lord. If he shows up on a level that you loathe... you're SOL. Right now (for me) he's hanging out on Far Future's level 15. I hated that level. It pissed me off quite thoroughly, But if I don't go and relive the angst to beat the Yeti? He will camp there. Permanently. I wish he would respawn somewhere else daily, regardless of if I defeat him or not... Ugh.

 

I live for the Piñata Parties. They're a daily event, that starts at 12am. Each day you're presented with a random (and sometimes original) level with it's own unique challenge. Sometimes it's introducing a new plant that is Coming Soon, sometimes it's themed after a current holiday. I find them a great break from the normal era levels, and if you beat the level, you get to pick three gift boxes for whatever is hidden within them. It could be coins, gems, a free Power Up, a sprout for your Zen Garden, or a costume for one of your plants. If you completes five consecutive levels of Piñata Party in a row, you get Señor Piñata after you pick your three gifts. I love Señor Piñata. I find it very cathartic to whack him till he bursts and gives me another present! Yes, even in vidya I am a Sadist.

 

"Oh hay Paige... What is the Power Up that you mentioned?"

 

That's a great question! PvZ2 introduces a few new things that help you conquer the levels, and I adore them. They are the cake to my sweet tooth.

 

 

The first is Plant Food. Yes, the first game had fertilizer in the Zen Garden, but this is different. Some zombies produce Plant Food when you kill them, instead of coins or gems, and I snatch those bad boys up like the greedy bitch I am. If you use said Plant Food on certain plants, they get a boost, which makes them go into overdrive. The sun producers will erupt with sun, combative plants will overkill. It's amazeballs and its VERY useful. This only works on one plant, whichever you choose to use the Plant Food on. Yo can buy them if they don't spawn from killed zombies. They cost you coins. The other way to feed your plants for these boosts in power is via Zen Garden.

 

The other new thing are the Power Ups. They're handy dandy little bastards that give you an extra edge against the zombies. They each have a price in coins, so keep an eye on your budget. You can choose from Power Toss (flings zombies away, towards the entrance to the lawn), Power Zap (electrocutes zombies, huzzah!), Power Snow (hurls snowballs which freeze and ultimately kill the zombies), and Power Flame (replaces the Snow in Frostbite Caves, it burns instead of freezes). My only gripe about the Power Ups is where they are located on the game's layout. Since this game is limited to smart phones, you can accidentally touch the Power Ups if you are trying to touch a sun, coin, zombie, etc that is in the bottom row. This wastes coins and said Power Ups. Grrrr!

 

Another thing I liked about the first game as compared to the second is the Zen Garden. In the sequel, they cut the size of your garden in half. Now some folks say it's because the size of smart phone screens is a limited thing, but I call shenanigans. You can fit more plants in the garden in PvZ2. I wish they would. I miss my Botanical Garden of Win. I also miss Mister Snail. The Bee dude is cool and all, but snails!

 

VS

FIGHT!

 

Stingy! Don't those game devs know that gardening is therapeutic and good for the environment?

 

Another thing I preferred from the first game is $$$ factor with the plants. Some of the plants that I enjoyed using in the first game can only be accessed in the sequel if you spend actual cash. No thanks. Not on my budget. PvZ, I love you, but not that much. Enough of the New To The Sequel plants are Cash Only as well, and that also makes me frown. Meh.

 

I have one more major gripe about PvZ2, and it is by far y biggest gripe of all. This game, unlike the first game, is not available on the PC. I prefer the Point and Click to the Touch and Swipe. I prefer the bigger screen size of the PC to that of the iPhone (or any smart phone TBH). It really gets my glittery thong in a bunch that there has never been a PC release for the sequel. I do indeed grumble.

 

All in all, the sequel has prettier, improved plant and zombie design, I love the look of the levels (especially Lost City... so shiny!), and some of the new challenges are rally awesome. I just really can't get past the lack of PC availability.