Monday, July 13, 2015

An alias assumed I do recognize

There is something about nudity that breaks the brain. That numbs the senses. That turns people kinda stupid.

 

Not all people, but enough to make the pattern quite noticeable.

 

One such nudity-induced derp is the inability to recognize a stripper when they have their Civilian Clothes on.

 

 

No, seriously... It happens to Me all of the time.

 

It's like some sort of Superman Syndrome.

 

 

Change Clark Kent's attire and no one knows who he is? Really?

 

Put jeans and a tee shirt on a stripper and people draw a blank? Jeebus...

 

 

Yeah yeah... I know. "But Paige, dudes at strip clubs aren't looking at your face LOL!" but really... they are. Most of the customers that I've entertained over the years have made excellent eye contact. Am I unusually blessed? I really don't think so.

 

When I'm at a strip club, I LOVE to People Watch. Strip clubs are amazing venues for such an activity. Add to that the 19.5 years that I've been going to said venues? Yeah, I've noticed A LOT of eye contact. So the age old phrase "My eyes are up here" isn't really coming into play here.

 

 

Could it be the lighting?

 

I like to call strip club lighting "The Pretty Lights". Mostly in response to everyone angsting about "The Ugly Lights" when the normal lights come up at the end of a bar night. I also can't deny that The Pretty Lights have been very good to me over the years. Heh. Yep. No shame. Tis the truth! Most strippers will confirm.

 

 

But I don't really get "Oh, I didn't recognize you in the bright lights!". I get "Oh I didn't recognize you with clothes on!".

 

It's like being a stripping Hannah Montana.

 

(Go ahead, make your Miley jokes now.)

 

I've racked my brain for ages over this phenomenon. Maybe I'll add this to the Stripper Physics list.

 

We may laugh at how hokey the whole Clark Kent Disguise is, BUT THIS IS HAPPENING FOR REAL OMGWTFBBQ!

 

I think that this is the sort of thing that Ivy League Colleges should do studies on.

 

STRIPPERS FOR SCIENCE!

 

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Stacys mom has got it goin on

Every now and then, some cheeky dude, usually (but not always) in their teens or early 20s, thinks its a compliment to call me a MILF.

 

Er... What? No. Just no.

 

And the brain breaking doesn't stop there. I'm seeing a lot of MILF porn that casted girls who were born either while I was in high school, or after I graduated.

 

 

Stop. Please. For the love of fuck...

 

There are 2 reasons why this is destroying my brain cells.

 

1) I am not a mother. Since I've never carried a child to term, adopted, and no one considers cats to be children in this context, there is no M in this. I leave you with just the ILF. So calling me a MILF only makes sense to you. It will not score you any sort of brownie points with me. I promise.

 

2) If I did have offspring, I do not consider myself old enough to be a MILF*. And when I see these perky, youthful gals in MILF porn? Argh!

 

 

I'm some rare freak, I guess, because my mind defines MILF differently than what I'm seeing pitched as MILFs in porn these days.

 

In my mind, it was always you're a kid. You have a friend. That friend is you age, or near to so. That friend has a mom. That friend's mom is hot.

 

Now, I don't really like thinking about like... 10 year olds thinking about sex, so when all of this is playing out in my mind, that "kid" is actually a teenager so... Yeah.

 

This is why my brain doesn't process 20 year olds with toddlers as MILFs. My brain processes 40 year olds with post-pubescent kids as MILFs

 

Back in 2008, Law & Order: SVU had an episode called Babes. In this episode, some high school girls are having babies. Plot and outcome aside, one quote almost caused my brain to explode, which would have gotten glitter all over the living room ceiling. One of the teen girls said "It rocks, huh? We're totally going to be the hottest MILFs on the block." There are a lot of times when I want to reach into the TV screen and strangle the character. In this case, I wanted to strangle whoever wrote the script.

 

Go ahead, call me weird. Call me old fashioned. Just don't call me a MILF.

 

 

OK close enough...

 

 

 

* - I have 2 years 5 months and 25 days until I reach what I consider MILF age. That's 909 days. Keep count if you like, but I've been trying to become a mother for a long time, and medically the odds are not in my favor...