Friday, November 18, 2011

Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your mouth

The internet has emboldened some serious asshats. Now, they have the Anonymity Backbone to email/post/IM/PM random women and ask the age old question...

"Wanna fuck?"

And the resounding "no!" that is generated by millions of women across the globe?

I believe that energy is harnessed and used to keep the interwebs going.

No, really.

So this post us dedicated to all ya'll dudes that think it's clever to ask us chicks such a STUPID question.

You wanna fuck? Ok lemme tell ya when that's gonna happen!

We're gonna fuck:

When My vagina detaches itself from My body, becoming sentient, and decides it has a thing for creepy random dudes.

When I give up on the rational fear of STDs. Rational fear never matches My favorite shoes anyway.

When My only other options for intercourse partners are the weird homeless dude that looks like Einstein, Dr Cox, and an ostrich (he really exists!) had a collision of reproductive DNA, and a wild pig. (welcome to Florida, folks)

When My crotch gives up on trying to convince Me to commit suicide and we settle for Insane Emotional Masochism.

When desperation becomes a high-value commodity. (I wanna be rich, bitch!)

When a freak viral outbreak causes all of the genitals on the planet to turn into Crisco... except yours and Mine. (Soooo glad I like baking...)

When I trade in My brain for whatever is behind Door Number Two. (A NEW CAAAARRRRRRR!!!!)

When I accidentally become encased in carbonite, except for My vagina. (Damn you, Vader!!)

When you and I are trapped in Thunderdome and My only other weapon is a bottle of Windex.

When Oded Fehr AND Jill Hennessy say that they'll marry Me, but only if I fuck you first.

When a zombie apocalypse occurs and the only way to create a super weapon to destroy them is to fuse our crotchal areas.

When they invent a brand of booze that not only gets one horrendously shitfaced and nukes inhibition, but also liquifies the frontal lobe of the brain.

Is that clarified for folks now?