Sunday, April 03, 2011

Nobody holds a candle to me in my red high heels

I often wonder about the future of the stripper shoe. Yep. I dedicate actual brain power to this. What can I say? I love stripper shoes. I love how they look (with some exceptions of course), I love how sexy I feel when wearing them. I love the extra height, the extra curve definition they give Me. They're an important part of My job. An essential part of the "uniform".

So where have we gone over the years? The classic pump with the slender, stick heel and the non existent platform was the thing. You didn't need stores specifically for strippers. You could get your heels just about anywhere that sold women's shoes. At some point, the heel gained some height again, and this time the platform was born to keep up with said heel. Clear heels? And platforms? Women were NOT going to wear this to work, if work meant an office, a bank, a store... No no no... these were SPECIFICALLY stripper heels. So now we had to evolve, to change our behavior in order to get the precious shoes of the trade.

The clear heel and platform became our icon. Our calling card. Our sigil.

And then, even those changed. They got taller, and taller, and taller still.

Some had flickering lights in them. Some of those lights were just always a blinkin away atcha, while others were smart blinkies! They only blinked when the wearer of the shoes moved around! That reduced the chances of a customer having a seizure by a smidge.

Some of the platforms were filled with clear liquid and glitter. Some were halfway filled with blue liquid, and little rubber duckies or frogs floated in them.

Oh and then some of them became useful for more than one task. They were made to be little shoe banks! You could put your tips in em! How CUTE! And helpful!

The clear motif gave way to opaque shoes which gave matching your shoes to your outfit such ease by variety. You could have a Pink shoe with a clear heel and platform OR a pink shoe with a pink heel and platform, or a pink shoe with a black heel and platform... And then there were the ones who had flowers and glitter and other such bits of happy fun joy inside the platform. The stripper shoe had taken a left at Claire's and stayed a while. Rhinestones, studs, stars, flowers, all sorts of delightful little... ornaments.

So where will we go next?

Will those cute little bank shoes give way to an ATM shoe? The customer can make a withdrawal DURING the lap dance?

How about the whole platform/heel height thing? Will we get shoes so tall that they come with a parachute and life insurance?

I know what I want. I want shoes that massage My feet while I traipse around the club, while I dance for some grabass, while I get on and off stage 20 times a night. And they should warm My feet when the manager forgot to adjust the AC the night before and suddenly a Florida strip club is Vancouver in January. And they should randomly tell Me that I'm pretty, and that the thong I have on compliments not only the shape of My ass but My eye color as well. And when they break, as stripper shoes always do? They have to apologize to me for the inconvenience before repairing themselves for free.

And before I end this brain meltdown... we need to give props to the original crazy ass shoe. If you recognize this pic, you win an internet: