Monday, April 25, 2011

the music to the story in your eyes

Ok kids, let's talk about eye contact in strip clubs. Eyes communicate on their own. In their own way. They are VERY helpful to us dancin ladies. Here are some examples of customer eye messages that need to get lost:

Darting your already nervous eyes around the club. This might infer that you don't trust us, you aren't sure if you SHOULD trust us, you think someone in the room is out to get you, or you're a shady creep who is probably looking to commit your 4th homicide. This look, for any and all of it's reasons? Strippers do NOT like it. Don't do it. If you MUST do it to survive? Go to a jewelry store or an airport and try that shit. Much more LULZ.

The ever popular "I ain't impressed by dis here broad. I can fuck plenty of chicks hotter than her" smug smirk. With the crossed arms, and the far lean back on the chair. This is the face of a dude who thinks that every single female in the place, employee or not, is looking at him at all times and is lusting for his body. How wrong he is. When a stripper catches you looking at her with the smirk of "pffft don't you wish, sweetheart!" all that does is make the guy sitting next to/behind/far off to the left of you look sexy as fuck. Even that smelly dude who tries to pay with food stamps.

The look of "I am sexy, sultry, and I want to do you NOW" is a good one to find in strip clubs, from both teams. While you're in My club, looking at Me like that changes to "I am rich, loaded, and I want to tip you NOW" which we like. So we in turn shall crank up the sultry so that we might ensnare you in our spider web of VIP room. The only time we do NOT like your version of the above look, is when it's an hour after we've closed for the night, and the bouncer and I find you leaning on My car, naked, with that same look.

By far My very, very, VERY least favorite eye contact faux pas? I'm on stage, in a thong that some might rename The Eyepatch, being graceful and seductive in the colorful lights. The music is pumpin, it's a tune I can really get into and I do that. I rock out in the most amazing feats of stripperlympics... and you douchels are watching the football game on the flat screen. All that's watching My super awesome Flashdance on stage are your sweaty, lumpy backs. Gee thanks dudes. No, really. Allow Me to give you your first taste of eating your own dick for lunch.

And ladies! Ladies... you female customers are NOT going to hide from this here blog post of SHAME ON YOU. No ma'am!

When your man, your friend(s), and/or coworker(s) want to hit up the nudie bar, and you just DO NOT wanna go? Do Me a favor. DON'T GO. Open your face and say NO. Really. Please. I'm about to beg you. Why? Because of the looks we strippers dislike from the female customers. The most hated one? When you sit there, obviously loathing every moment you have to be there. The glare. The folded arms. The posture of EVERYONE SHALL NOW DIE. That look sucks. It sucks more than the Homecoming Queen under the bleachers after the Big Game. I understand that you don't want to be at the nudie bar. That's ok. Not everyone enjoys them. But when I walk up to greet you and the folks yer with? Don't try to murder Me with your eyeballs, ok?

You ladies have your own version of the 2nd type of look that I mentioned in the Dude Section. You aren't impressed by the lady on stage and/or the lady chatting ya'll up? Ok. That's fine. But if you continue to arch your brows and sneer? I'm gonna iron your face. That should fix those wrinkles! No, you probably can't do My job better than I can. No, I don't care if you think you're hotter shit than I am. No, I don't have cooties. So cut that shit look right out. Seriously. It makes you look like a disgruntled toad.

Female customers also have their own version of the "I want to do you NOW" face. This is more scary to Me than when the dudes do it. Why? Because it's been My experience that the ladies are more likely to try to kiss/grab/fondle/lick Me while I'm working than the dudes. Sure, plenty of the vagina-challenged try, but there is something about bi women + booze that = they think they're making a porno. You're bi? Congrats. Welcome to 2011. But seriously? If I wanted to suck face with you, you'd know. Trust Me on this one. So when I see the Come Hither stare from a female customer, I tend to worry. Alas, this issue has fucked up chances for any of the female customers who simply want to tip. I shall now pause from blogging to release a huge sigh.

Much better. Now where was I?

Oh yes...

So now you get the idea, right? Your face can speak volumes without making an sound.